I'm soo happy right now, and my past is trying to pull me back...and I'm so not down with it......however, it's power is a little damaging right now...~

Ehhh soo I feel like a fat ass giant, and i've never seen my stomach actually have enough fat for me to grab and shake, now...i wont say im like "the fat girl" however, i feel like a fat girl...mkay....anyways, I don't know how to react to my new life...I kinda feel as if  someone grabbed me with a cane.....pulled me behind the curtain and then shoved me back out in front of a whole new audience....and a new act he taught me 2.57584 seconds before he threw me back out.......................................grr. Life, no friends, no job, no more school because I FUCKED that up..., uhm.....yeah...no life, but what a better time to come home for christmas...and be chubby and see all the family that only sees me at this time of the year, and remembers me all year from this occasion and gets the visual image of me eating a brownie, because i guess thats probably what a girl my size would be doing.......okay ..now im just being comical....but really, i miss my friends........the relationships i formed...not only that but i found a really awesome guy friend named maxwell, in which im not sure what it is...or where it's going....or if it will or ANYTHING, but ...he's from wisconsin...and i dont even wanna indulge alot because as soon as i get excited, it changes.......Haven't heard from noah.......i mistakingly texted him saying sorry for the letters, i never end it appropriately but because my medication is pretty onset, i don't really obsess about it.....no point, ive come to realization that im in a codependent relationship there...............he said welcome bak! merry christmas........i think i manifested an idea about him that really didnt exist in reality.................


fuck. now what do i do right? ..i really dont know where to go from here... i guess i can create a new me...or better yet found me.......im writing and reading a lot more and drawing again, it keeps me at bay........today wasn't soo bad but im about to start soo my periods a knockin' on my appetite.....................monday's a new regimen...tomorrow's a lose sweater....black. lol

Soo like I said in my last entry, or maybe I didn't but yesterday i was really getting an itchin' for writing, while I was running. Soo today I got a plain notebook, drew on the front a little bit, and started my first passage. I found myself writing about how I was going to start being a loyal writer. ( how every one of my journals start ). I also wrote how lately I've been feeling despair, but I can't quite identify what is causing it. I love running, yet, lately I've been getting sidetracked from my true desire in the mentality that I'm running out of desperation. Which completely demotivates me. I've been clean for about a month and a half now, roughly. The hardest thing I've ever went through in my life. I am no longer feeling physical withdrawals, yet, the mental anxiety is still lingering. I hate it. The feeling that something is wrong, but ya can't quite put your finger on it- is the cliche yet, exact way to describe it. I must say that everyday gets better, and everyday further is progress. Relapse is backsliding. My only latch from Detox was, once is one too many, and a thousand times, is never enough. I get flashbacks of that sign in my head, in clarity that my photographic memory amazes me. I will never return. I am strong, and though, I hate life at times, it's worth it to feel the times I love it.

Yesterday, running was good, the tempature wasn't over 80, no comparison to my 90 degrees run the day before. The reluctant abundance of my eyebrows was letting my sweat drip into my eyes. I didn't mind. Seeing the water flush from myself was motivating. I didn't wipe it. 13 more days until the homestead. I'm personally trying to resist any anticipation. It will be odd to be home again, familar faces, their personas, landscapes, people I've let go, things I've let go, etc. Ahh yes, it will probably be a quarter overwhelming, quarter difficult, and a quarter comforting. All in which lead me to the time of vulnerable relapse or undoubtful strength. That's all up to me. I'm gonna go with undoubtful strength. I'm listening to "Lord Send Me an Angel" by The Whitestripes. Oh inspiration. Time to go sink in my anxieties, or my gratitude of Life.

So I've been really stressed out lately. The past two nights I was feeling exhausted and yet really sad, but there was no direct reason why I should feel depressed. The next day my father was developing an argument between him and my mother about my flight home...Must have been my intuition. I've been restricting and have lost some weight, I'm not going to obsess about it though, it will only turn ten times harder for me to actually do it. Running has been good lately, I've been increasing my distance everyday. I start ab workouts today...just finished my delicious chocolate truffle coffee that I wouldn't mind drowning in. Yet, I'm not suicidal, although, I did just "make a plan" which defines whether or not you are suicidal. However, drowning in your coffee is impossible, unfortanetely...  : )